Romance, Adultery & the American Church
Russell D. Moore
Baptist Press


It's ten o'clock, do you know where your husband is? Apparently many
Americans are asking this question, judging by the sales and buzz
generated by The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do
When They Cheat, a new book by Elizabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer.
The book aims to educate women on how to see the "warning signs" that
their husband is, to use the parlance of my Deep South upbringing,
"running around." The authors give a list of possible clues: a sudden
interest in the gym, buying expensive gifts for his wife, emotional
distance.

Of particular interest is the authors' observations about the mind of the
adulterous man. He rarely will admit to an affair because he wanted to
have sex with an attractive woman. Rather, he will use such language as,
"I found my soul-mate." Moreover, he will prepare the way for the affair
by letting others know how cold his wife is, often by telling the wife she
needs to lose weight or even see a psychiatrist. The woman who laughs at
his jokes and plays with his hair, however, now, she understands what he's
all about.

While reading the book, I couldn't help but have flashbacks to thousands
of incidents in local congregational ministry to families in crisis. These
women have the situation sized up perfectly. I wonder, though, how much
more susceptible our own congregations are to adultery, precisely because
of the ways in which we picture marriage.

The "soul-mate" language is self-justifying and self-deceiving, as the
apostle Paul tells us sin always is. The promise of the thrilling new
lover is vaporous and, in the end, deadly, just as Solomon warned us
thousands of years ago (Proverbs 7). But have we contributed to this with
our endless sermon series on "Putting the Sizzle Back in Your Spouse" and
"Ten Tips for Couples for a Hotter, Holier Romance"? For years,
evangelicals have produced sex manuals and have counseled young couples to
maintain date nights and romantic evenings.

No doubt fulfilling sex, romantic getaways, and loving affection are
necessary for a Christian marriage. Still, have we been neglecting to
teach young men and women the self-sacrificial nature of fidelity? Several
years ago, an evangelical celebrity told a broadcast television network
about her struggle after meeting her "soul-mate," while she was married to
another man. This was presented as an authentic spiritual dilemma.
Perhaps in all our talk of romance and candlelight, we should re-emphasize
that sometimes the romance is deferred, sometimes the fireworks are
postponed. Perhaps rather than always pointing to the example of a sexy
young married couple, we should point our older teenagers and young
married couples to the 87-year-old man who has been wheeling his wife into
the congregation every Sunday for 30 years, since she lost the use of her
arms and legs in a stroke, or to the 60-year-old woman who faithfully
shaves the face of her Alzheimer's-riddled husband, even as he curses and
swats at a woman he doesn't remember.

Fidelity is sexier than adultery. We know that. And we should encourage
every young man to rejoice in the wife of his youth, as the Scriptures
tell us (Proverbs 5:18-19).

But adultery always follows a script, as the new book reminds us, and this
script includes the thrill of romance, a romance that is newer and thus
more hormonally sparked than long-lasting love. The adulteress persuades a
man, as a butcher slaughters a cow (Proverbs 7:22).

A postponed feast in the Father's kingdom doesn't initially seem as
appetizing as stones-into-bread to break a 40-day fast (Matthew 4:3-4).
But why does Jesus defer the joy of eating until after a wilderness
temptation -- indeed postponing the messianic feast until after a grisly
crucifixion? Because He wishes to maintain fidelity to his Bride, with
whom He will eat and drink at His Father's table (Luke 22:14-18).
That kind of Christ love must be emphasized by pastors and teachers who
emphasize fidelity and sacrifice, and, yes, romance and hot sex, too. And
this means pastors and church leaders who are willing to reiterate:

"Looking for your soul-mate? Her picture's in your wallet."