Raising Emotionally Healthy Children
Vicki Courtney
Virtuous Reality Ministries


In a recent conversation with a friend regarding the challenges of
parenting, my friend said, "When it's all said and done, I just want my
kids to grow up and be happy." I'm sure we can all echo her sentiments,
but as Christians, we must distinguish the difference between the world's
brand of "happy" and God's brand of "happy." While the world aims for
happiness through success, prosperity, and material possessions,
Christians should, instead, aim for joy.

Years ago in my weekly young mother's group led by my mentor, Ada, it was
not unusual for the group to turn into a "whine" fest at times over
never-ending piles of laundry, sick children, unappreciative husbands, and
you-name-it. Of course, Ada, being the godly woman she is, would listen
emphatically but challenge us to live by Colossians 3:23, which says,
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord,
not for men." She made it clear that joy is a choice. It is not dependent
on circumstances but is rooted in the knowledge that we are loved beyond
measure by God.



I would go home encouraged by her gentle reminder, possessing a renewed
commitment to find joy in everything. When my kids spilled juice on my
newly mopped floor, I would try singing "The Joy of the Lord Is My
Strength" over and over to brainwash myself while cleaning up the mess. It
usually worked--until they dumped cereal on the floor before I finished
cleaning up the juice. By that point my joy had taken a hike, dragging the
song with it. Yet as I practiced this truth over the years, I began to
notice that my attitude gradually changed, and along with it, so did my
kids' attitudes. Now this is not to say that I don't still enjoy a good
whine from time to time, but it's more the exception than the rule.

If we are to have homes filled with joy, we must first model joy to our
children. Like it or not, we are the emotional facilitators of the home.
You've hears it said: "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Being a
mother is the most difficult job I have ever had. It forced me to address
my own weaknesses. It forced me to become responsible. It forced me to get
over my own issues so I could address my children's issues. It forced me
to come to the end of myself. Praise God for children! Of course, my poor
firstborn child got to be the guinea pig as I experimented with this
parenting thing while trying to juggle my own emotional insecurities. Poor
Ryan has the double whammy -- firstborn child of two firstborn parents.
(In addition to setting aside money for his college education, we are
throwing in a little extra for therapy.)

If we are to look well to the ways of our households, we need to provide
them with homes where their feelings are validated and treated with care.
This will be difficult to implement for those mothers who grew up in homes
where emotions were taboo or altogether ignored. I'm sure we all desire to
raise children who feel comfortable trusting us with their innermost
thoughts, fears, and feelings, but sadly, few of us have learned to trust
anyone with our own. Take it from someone who stuffed her feelings and
adopted a "buck up little camper" attitude early in life -- it's nearly
impossible to address your children's feelings if you've built walls
around your own. One of my greatest spiritual breakthroughs in my
Christian walk came through a marriage course -- called Intimate
Encounters -- offered by my local church. The course was based on the book
by the same name authored by David and Teresa Ferguson.1 My clue to run
should have been the word intimate. I was so antifeelings that my husband
and I had to go through it twice (thanks to me, we flunked the first
time!). We eventually graduated and went on to lead marriage small groups
in our church. We even led a "Parenting with Intimacy" group in our church
that trained parents to implement the same principles with their children
that they had learned in their marriage group.

In my "intimacy training" I learned valuable tools, such as asking my
children, "How did that make you feel when such-and-such happened or
so-and-so said that?" I learned the art of responding to my children's
hurts with compassion rather than facts, logic, and reason. I learned that
it was OK to go to my children and say, "I was wrong for such-and-such. I
am so sorry. Will you forgive me?" I learned the importance of getting
into their worlds versus spending time with them and expecting them to get
into mine. I learned the importance of reminding my children that when
they are hurting, their father and I do not desire that they hurt alone.
We are available to hurt with them. When my daughter hit the teen years
and became more resistant to verbally sharing her feelings, I began to
e-mail her occasionally and ask her open-ended questions. She found it a
much more comfortable method of communicating with me (and more humorous
at times -- especially when I would e-mail her from the next room!). It
provided a creative means of staying in touch with her during a time when
many girls pull away from their parents. However, before you try this with
your fickle teenager, be warned that had her father and I not established
the intimacy principles early in her growing up years, I'm not so sure she
would have replied to my inquisitive e-mails! If upon reading this you
come to the conclusion that you have lost touch with your older kids when
it comes to communication, focus first on building the relationship. Have
no other motive than that of spending time with them. Pray that they will
eventually see you as a safe and trusted harbor to whom they can bring
their hurts, frustrations, and fears.

Can you imagine if the majority of adults today had been raised with such
healthy communication principles in place? If people were to learn healthy
methods for sharing their feelings, such as the intimacy principles I had
the privilege of learning, I have no doubt that addictions and other forms
of escape would decline. The need for counseling would decrease. Cases of
depression would be reduced. Marriages would be more stable. Divorce rates
would decline. Families would be closer. Churches would be healthier. And
God's people would be equipped to move forward and tend to the needs of
others.