Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
In a world full of troubled marriages, people often settle for a marriage
where they simply get along. But God intends for marriage to be so much
more. And with His help, you and your spouse can achieve the real intimacy
He wants husbands and wives to enjoy.
Here’s how you can create real intimacy in your marriage:
Know why you need to leave your past. Understand that if you drag baggage
from the past into your marriage, it will sap the energy and life out of
your relationship with your spouse. View your old loyalties (to your
parents and other strong influences in your life) as secondary to the new
bond you need to develop with your spouse for a strong marriage.
Know why you need to weave. Understand that if you have contempt for the
differences between you and your spouse, you’ll block the blessings God
wants each of you to experience from learning how to work together.
Realize that your differences can complement each other. Remember that God
wants to weave the different colored threads of your lives together to
create a beautiful tapestry.
Know why you need to cleave. Understand that if you don’t intentionally
pursue the goal of growing closer to God alongside your spouse, your
marriage will stagnate. Remember that your relationship is a living
organism that requires regular investments of time and energy to grow.
Consider the meaning of marriage. Recognize just how important marriage is
in the world. Think about marriage as trinity (it reveals God’s relational
nature and His love for creation), ethics (it helps you learn how to be
good to each other as God is good to you), eschatology (it’s a foretaste
of what it will be like to be in an intimate relationship with God in
heaven forever), revelation (it’s meant to be a relationship that shows
the world God’s glory and goodness as He acts in your lives).
Leave your past loyalties. Realize that trust can never fully be
established in your marriage unless you sever the bonds of loyalty that
controlled or influenced you strongly in the past (your relationship with
your parents, other family members, friends, jobs, past boyfriends or
girlfriends, etc.). Understand that by no means does this call for
breaking off these relationships, but simply setting boundaries designed
to protect young trust that is beginning to take root between you and your
spouse. Make space for faithfulness. Give yourselves the space you need to
build trust without undue intrusions or complications.
Know that marriage should change all aspects of both your lives as you
merge them together to create something new. Understand that anything that
might compromise the opening of your hearts to each other must be left
behind as you pursue intimacy together.
Realize that building trust is a gradual process -- that trust is earned
over a lifetime through small moments of faithfulness. Respect your
spouse’s privacy by refusing to reveal matters that might cause
embarrassment or shame for him or her. Show your spouse that you have the
integrity to keep confidences. Keep secrets only between each other; never
allow secrets between one of you and someone else.
Establish the primacy of your marriage over relationships with all other
people -- forsaking all others for the sake of your spouse. Don’t give
into efforts to divide you and your spouse. Make it clear to others that
the power to make decisions is in you and your spouse’s hands, working
together. Invite your parents and other people to offer their wisdom, but
don’t feel obligated to obey their desires.
Share the full details of your pasts with each other so you know your
spouse’s story, and he or she knows yours. Then intentionally merge your
lives together to pursue a better present and future together.
Weave your souls together. Seek to connect with each other through
communication. Spend lots of time talking and listening to each other.
Engage in open-ended, curious conversation. Expect that it’s always
possible for something good to result from your dialogue.
Honor the differences between you and your spouse by realizing that
they’re healthy – not bad or dangerous. Esteem each other instead of
tearing each other down. Put aside your presumptions so you can genuinely
experience your spouse’s perspectives. Allow those perspectives to stretch
and humble you. As your spouse’s sense of reality collides with yours,
pray for it to help you understand more of how God views your lives
together.
Don’t hide your thoughts, feelings, or desires from each other. Don’t
blame or belittle each other. Don’t distort or obscure the real issues.
Consider how compromise can help you weave a new pattern from different
strands in your relationship.
Own your own failures and your spouse’s hurt. Be willing to forgive each
other. Approach God in prayer together and ask for His perspective and the
grace to work out hopeful solutions to your problems.
Take time regularly to get away from distractions and converse with each
other, just the two of you. Schedule and protect the time. Think about how
you can use the time for meaningful reflection – not just passively
sitting in front of a movie screen together, but actively talking and
listening about topics that matter to you both. Tell each other stories
from your past and present, and listen well so you can gain a deeper
perspective on your spouse than you had before. Share your dreams for the
future with each other. Risk opening your hearts to each other in both
pain and triumph.
Cleave to each other. Recognize that sex is a gift from God that should be
honored and cherished as bearing His glory. Understand that trust between
you and your spouse is vital for a healthy sex life, since it is
impossible to surrender to sexual intimacy when tense or fearful. Get rid
of bedroom ghosts like fear, anger, and disgust by working through the
issues underlying them and pursuing healing together.
Ask God to give you the humility you need to be open, honest, and
vulnerable in your relationships with Him and your spouse. Slow down,
eliminate distractions, and live in the present moment so you can better
appreciate sex with your spouse. Be playful and generous with each other.
View good sex as a foretaste of heavenly worship.
Care for your marriage as if it were a garden. Understand that your
marriage relationship is a living organism that, just like a garden, needs
regular care to survive and grow. Care for your marriage daily by setting
aside time to talk and pray together. Know that if you don’t keep up daily
routines to stay connected, weeds will take over your marriage. Ask God to
give you hope to wait for good results to emerge from the slow process of
growth in your marriage. Be willing to do the hard work of making
sacrifices to serve each other so you can each enjoy blossoming maturity.
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Adapted from The Intimate Mystery: Creating Strength and Beauty in Your
Marriage, copyright 2005 by Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III.
Published by InterVarsity Press, Downers Grove, Ill.