A Building Block for Parenting: Setting Boundaries

      Ryan Rush

      Home on Time Ministries

      Kids need boundaries. That probably doesn't surprise you, but this might:

      Kids want boundaries! That's right. Providing parameters for our children

      gives them a sense of comfort and security that nothing else can.

      Boundaries are the clear lines of behavior we draw within the home that

      children know they are not to cross. In this sense, the parenting process

      is as much an organizational task as anything else in life. Organizing the

      boundaries we will place in our homes is an essential building block to

      raising successful kids.

      I talk with parents all the time who are frustrated with the level of

      cooperation they get from their kids, even in things as common as doing

      chores or disrespectful attitudes. My first question is this: "What

      boundaries have you set for acceptable behavior?" In other words, I want

      to know whether the child has been given a standard to follow, or if they

      constantly have to guess what the acceptable behavior should be.

The Danger of Moving Boundaries

      One mistake that parents often make is

      allowing inconsistent boundaries. If a football player never knew where

      the boundaries were, he would get frustrated when one time he's called for

      being out of bounds and another time he's allowed to run completely off

      the field. There would be no way to measure success. In the same way, all

      parents are guilty at times of similar inconsistencies. Sometimes we allow

      for almost complete freedom, and then other times we hold high

      expectations for behavior. This creates a real challenge for kids, because

      they can never be sure exactly which standard he or she must adhere to for

      the moment. An example of this is parent's expectations during mealtimes.

      When we allow kids to grab bites as they run around the dinner table at

      home, why should we be surprised when they don't want to sit in a high

      chair at a restaurant?

The Freedom Boundaries Bring!

      There is a common misconception that setting

      forth clear boundaries for kids is too strict or stringent. I would

      adamantly disagree. When kids are given a clear outline of behavior that's

      acceptable and behavior that is not, it gives them the freedom to move

      within those boundaries without constantly guessing what behavior will

      bring disciplinary action. Children who are disciplined live with security

      and freedom that undisciplined kids will never enjoy.

      With these foundational principles in mind, here are three steps that

      every parent can take to help kids understand the boundaries in your home:

      1. Establish clear standards of behavior. All too often, parents simply

      tell kids to "be a good boy" without clearly defining what that would mean

      in a given situation. Set up some clear parameters that show how behavior

      would dictate this order. Using the restaurant example again, acceptable

      behavior for a young child might mean sitting still at the table during

      the meal, not playing with the food, and talking in a quiet voice. These

      are all very clear, attainable goals.

      2. Use "What-if" scenarios to apply to future situations. You don't have

      to wait for tough situation to deal with difficult scenarios. In fact, it

      is far easier to address them beforehand. With the earlier example, going

      over some questions with children before eating in the restaurant could

      certainly help. At this point, the parent can even make it fun! "When we

      get to the restaurant, would it be okay if Daddy gets up and runs around

      the table screaming? What would happen if he did that?" These steps work

      for kids of any age, by the way. For older kids, the "what-if" questions

      just change: "If you are riding in a car with some friends, and the driver

      stops at a convenience store and buys beer for everyone, how will you

      handle the situation?"

      3. Move from "Moses" to "Micah." The Israelites had all sorts of laws

      during the time of Moses. God had laid out a very detailed plan for His

      people to follow, because that was the first way they could know exactly

      what they were to do. At times, though, the law must have been

      overwhelming to God's followers. Later in the Old Testament, Micah sums up

      God's laws for the people in one simple sentence: "And what does the Lord

      require of you, but to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with

      your God?" (Micah 6:8, NKJV)

      This transition not only profoundly simplified God's law, but also made an

      important adjustment in the lives of the Israelites. The command moved

      from the law to the lesson behind that law. The new command was

      principle-based rather than action-based. This allowed it to cover every

      area of life. This is also an important transition for parents to make. In

      early childhood, the most important thing kids need is a list of "do's"

      and "don't do's." As they begin to grow, they need to embrace the

      principles behind those rules, so that they can apply them to every area

      of life. This is important for two reasons. First, as life gets more

      complicated, it will become impossible to anticipate every situation and

      make up a rule for your kid that applies. Secondly, the principle-based

      behavior cultivates initiative your child will need as he moves into

      adulthood.

Boundaries are an essential building block of parenthood

      Without them,

      kids can never be sure when they are "out-of-bounds." On the other hand,

      when children are given a clear understanding of what is acceptable, they

      really have the freedom to shine! Choose to give your kids the freedom

      they deserve - within a clear-cut set of boundaries.